Parental Panic

So we had a bit of a scare last week.  I'll start with a little bit of back story.  When Penelope was in the NICU she would sometimes have trouble with clearing her spit up and the nurses would have to use the aspriator bulb to help her from choking.  The actually kept her a few extra days because of this.  When we took her home we were aware that this could happen, so we were prepared.  They told us she would arch her back and choke - so we knew what to look for...or so we thought.

Sean had told me that he had seen her do this a few times and he would pat her back and she would be fine.  Then 2 weeks ago I saw what we thought was her choking.  She would turn bright red, and she would go completely rigid - back arched, head turned to one side, arms and legs out straight.  When you pick her up she basically felt like a plastic doll - no flexability at all.  We just assumed that it was her choking but I was a little worried that it was something more.

Well, fast forward to this past Thursday morning.  Peanut was just waking up for the morning when she went stiff as a board and completely red.  Sean and I got her out of the bassinet and he patted her on the back and then we laid her down on the bed.  She was still very stiff and not very responsive.  That's when I was like...you know what, this doesn't seem like choking.  I think she's having a seizure!

I called her pediatrician and told her what happened and she said we should immediately go to the emergency room.  So we went, they checked her out, took blood (and she cried and cried and it was so sad!).  Then the doctor came in...

He said that based on her symptoms he's pretty sure she has sandifer syndrome. It is basically her reaction to extreme acid reflux.  Thankfully it isn't a seizure and should not have any long term negative effect on her health.  But it IS scary as crap!  They decided to keep her for 24 hours to monitor her.  So we spent the night in the hospital.  She seemed fine over night (but she doesn't have these episodes very often so I was pretty confident that they wouldn't see anything while we were there).

didn't think we'd be seeing the inside of a hospital so soon

Now she's on heartburn medicine and we're going to see how that goes.  It doesn't always work and she may have more of these episodes but I feel a lot better knowing what it is (that it wasn't seizures). I feel horrible that my little girl has such bad indegestion but the hope is that she'll grow out of it.

My poor baby....

Spitting Image

I mean I know she's my kid and everything, but seriously....

tell me she doesn't look exactly like her dad when he was a kid!

Fresh Pics and Hard Decisions

I had to make a hard decision today.  My wonderful friend Biscuit planned my baby shower for me.  The original one was scheduled for February 20th, but that one was canceled as Peanut came early.  We rescheduled it for this Sunday, March 20th which is 2 days after her actual due date.  We figured it would be a fun "welcome to the world" shower.  We also decided to have it at my house since it would be easier to cart gifts if they were already at our house.  I guess I wasn't really thinking when we picked that date.  You see...we're not even supposed to leave the house with her until she's 2 months old because she's premie and the risk of her getting sick is high.

Fast forward to now, and a few people that were supposed to attend the shower either have the flu or have been exposed to it.  I had to do what's best for the little one and cancel the shower again.  I'm bummed but at the same time I am kind of relieved.  I have been stressing about having all of these people in the house around her.  She is so vulnerable right now - her little body is just now catching up with itself and she's considered "full term now."  I'd hate for her to get sick because someone came over who didn't even know they were sick accidentally passed something along.

So I had to make a decision that was hard.  I am guessing it's one of many many hard decisions that I will have to make as a parent.  As much as I wanted to see all of my friends and show off our little sweet Penelope, I had to do what's best for her.  So...everyone will just have to wait a bit longer to meet our little one.

In the meantime, I took some pictures of her today with my good camera and I think they came out pretty good.  Here are some of the best ones.

Bath time

Peanut is NOT a fan of bath time.  She screams and cries and is pretty pitiful.  Here are some pics of her first bath.

I don't know about this....

why are you doing this to me?

This just isn't right....

Yes...dry me off!!

So yeah...not a fan.  But she looks so cute when she's all clean.  Her hair sticks up every wicha-way like a little baby chicken.

In other news, I'm still struggling with breastfeeding.  I have had a lactation consultant come by twice so far.  When she's here, Peanut will latch on and do pretty well, but as soon as the LC leaves it's like I'm trying to torture her and she's having none of it.  I'm going to give it some time and try my best, but if it doesn't work out I'm prepared to exclusively breast pump.  That way she'll still get all the benefits of the breast milk without making both baby and mommy cry out of frustration.  But I'm not giving up yet...

And just because....here's another pic of my cutie

Milkmaid

 I have made the decision to breast feed.  This is something I had decided from the get go.  I knew it was going to be difficult, and that there would be some challenges - but I had no idea how frustrating it would be.

As those of you that have been following my blog know, Peanut was born 6 weeks early.  While in the NICU she was fed my breast milk via feeding tube.  I started pumping breast milk right from the start and it has been going really well.  It wasn't that bad when she was still in the hospital because I had 4 hours to spare (8 times a day for a half hour each session). Sure it was difficult to fit them in - but I did it.

Now that she's home I'm finding it very hard to keep up with the pumping and take care of her at the same time.  My doctor said I could breast feed her up to 4xs a day but she is not doing so well with it.  Sometimes she'll latch on and eat with no problems - but most times she'll latch on and then just hang out.  She won't suck, but basically just lays there with my breast in her mouth.  I've tried changing her diaper right before, undressing her to wake her up a bit, waiting until she's really hungry - but nothing seems to be working.  I'm frustrated.  I want to be able to breast feed her.  I don't want to pump, put it in a bottle, then feed her.  Let's cut out the middle man so to say!

Last night is a prime example.  P woke up at 4:30am to be fed.  I went downstairs, prepared a bottle of breast milk that I pumped earlier in the day and fed her.  If I was just breast feeding, that would have been it.  But nope, I had to then put her down, go get all my pumping supplies ready, and start the 30 minute process of pumping. Right as I started, she started crying...so I had to figure out a way to hold her on a pillow on my lap so I could rock her while I was pumping.  Since I have the pump attached to me I have to keep her at arms length.  So I finally got her settled and then I had to just sit there until it was done.  Then I had to put her down, label the bottles with the date/time, record it in my book, and clean the supplies for next time, and bring the bottles downstairs to put in the fridge (actually Sean did that for me).  It's quite a process.  I was actually on the verge of tears last night because I was just so frustrated by the whole process. If I could breastfeed, I could just feed her, rock her for a bit, and put her back down. Grr.

I've called 4 lactation consultants so far.  The first one said she'd stop by on Saturday for her feeding between 5-6pm.  Finally at 6pm with her not showing up or answering her phone I fed her myself.  At 6:30pm she called and asked if she was "too late" because her last appointment went too long.  Um, yeah lady...I had to feed my baby who was starving by that point!  The other 3 that I've called haven't even called me back!

I don't know what to do.  I'll try to call the other 3 again tomorrow and hope that one of them calls me back.  I want to be successful with breast feeding.  Especially since Peanut is premature, I want to give her any additional health benefits that I can...but I don't know if I can keep up the whole pumping and feeding her forever.  Most days I can only get 7 pumps in and I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with her needs.  So far it isn't a problem but as she grows she's going to want more to eat.

If anyone has suggestions, I'd greatly appreciate it.  In the meantime I'll just keep trying to get a lactation consultant to return my call and help me down this difficult road.

*update - since I wrote this, I spoke with one of the LC's.  She is going to call me back within a 1/2 hour to schedule a visit either today or tomorrow.  Hopefully she'll start me on the road to successful breastfeeding!

Learning the Ropes

So today is my first day alone with Peanut.  Sean went back to work today and I've spent the day hanging with the little one.  I'll admit it - it's weird.  It was hard last night getting little sleep and then not having Sean here in the morning to switch off watching her so I could take a nap.  It's going good though.  I love hanging with this tiny little girl.  She is so adorable.

I have some pictures of her first bath to post tomorrow - but for today, here are a few to tide you over.

blowing kisses

zzzzz

morning snuggles

Showing her Premie Side

Well, Penelope is showing her premie side these days.  Yes, she is doing great. Yes, she is growing leaps and bounds...but she is still not ready to come home.  We thought she was going to come home today, but she decided she wasn't ready to leave her buddies in the NICU.

Tuesday night she had an episode where she had a brady, and then had a spit-up where she wasn't able to clear it herself and they had to use that little aspirator ball to clear it for her.  Then it happened again last night.  They just want to monitor her for a while to make sure she doesn't have any problems with reflux.

These are just little bumps in the life of a premature baby, and the doctor's don't seem overly concerned at this point.  I just have to remind myself that she's still only 37weeks and that she hasn't had the time to develop inside my belly so she's doing the best she can out here in the world.

I am so very proud of our little Peanut.  She is amazing and I could spend hours looking at her tiny face and watching her sleep (in fact I do spend hours at the NICU staring at her!)

I'll end on the positives - our little piggy is eating between 50-60cc's a feeding now (and the feeding tube is out!).  And when she does get a burp out, she burps like a trucker. She's got an amazing grip with those little hands too!

And now for what you've all been waiting for - fresh baby pics!

sleeping beauty

look at her little hand tucked under her chin!

Shew - What a Whirlwind

Penelope is 16 days old now and it has been quite the whirlwind.  So many amazing things have happened since she was born and I am just so very much in love with this teeny tiny little girl.

I was able to start kangaroo care with her which is basically skin to skin contact.  It was amazing! Just feeling her warm body with nothing but a diaper against my bare chest is like nothing I can describe.  She seemed so peaceful and happy there too.  We tried a bit of breastfeeding but she's still not quite there yet.  She did get a few sips in there and she'll get better as she gets bigger and her sucking reflex gets further developed.  It's amazing how much she needs to learn since she was born early.  Stuff that full term babies just innately know from practice in the womb.  My little Peanut is a champion though - so I have no doubt that she'll pick it up in time.

so amazing

I mean how could you NOT want to snuggle this?!

Oh and for those of you noticing the new tape mustache...it's nothing to worry about.  She had a new feeding tube inserted because the one from Hopkins wasn't compatible with the stuff at HCC so they put a new one in and that's how it's secured.  She doesn't seem to mind it but we can't wait until she's tube, tape and wire free!

The nurses are saying that if she keeps doing as well as she has been there is a chance she could be coming home this week.  I don't want to get my hopes up too high - but that would just be the most amazingly wonderful thing ever!  Sean and I are itching to get her home so we can snuggle with her all the time!

Penelope Birth Story - Part 4

So Penelope is born at 7:36pm on Saturday.  Sean, his parents and my sisters are all able to go see her in the NICU.  I am stuck in bed, drugged up on MAG, and confused.  I'm still seeing double, can't move my body at all, and feel very odd.  I can't describe the feeling...excited that she's alive and that we had our baby - but also really sad and jealous that everyone gets to see her but me.  Then I find out that they want to keep me on the MAG for 24 hours to make sure I am stable.  I can't tell you how upset that made me.  I wanted to start feeling better and see my baby and instead I'm stuck sucking on ice chips and feeling like I'm on heroine or something.  MAG is the worst crap on the planet.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I was a swollen slug mess

 Sean came back from seeing P in the NICU and showed me a picture on his phone of her.  I could barely see it because my vision was so messed up...but I knew she was beautiful.  I just started counting down the hours until I could get off the MAG and see her!  Sunday is a blur, literally, but I knew the end of my slug state was in sight!  At 7:30 pm on Sunday they finally took me off the MAG.  They made my bed sit up and I was still really REALLY out of it.


But then a nurse asked me a question I had been waiting for for 4 DAYS...."would you like something to eat and drink?"  UM YES!!! I had some ginger ale and a turkey sandwich.  Sean said that turkey sandwich looked absolutely disgusting - but I'll tell you what, that was the best sandwich I think I've ever had in my entire life.

The puffy slug eats! Horray!

After I eat a nurse comes by and tells us that they're transferring me to the regular post delivery area.  She also asks if I would like to swing by the NICU to see Penelope.  I'll be honest, I didn't know if I would be able to.  I told her I was scared I wouldn't be able to get into a wheel chair and I was so dizzy with the blurry double vision.  Sean said it broke his heart to hear that I wasn't sure I was up to seeing her.

So, another nurse comes in and the 2 of them plus Sean were able to get me into a wheel chair.  Once I was in there I decided...hey you know what?  I can go see her.  I can do this! I want to see my little girl!  So off we went!

Sean told me later that the nurses in the NICU asked him if he wanted to hold Penelope, and he told them that he wanted to wait and let me be the first person to hold her.  Isn't he amazing?!

They wheeled me down the hall and to the NICU...and there she was.  So beautiful and amazing with a full head of hair!  And I got to hold my baby for the first time!

First time mommy holds baby!

After that I started feeling better and better...and so did little Penelope! I was discharged the next day, my vision slowly improved, my legs started working again...and now I'm basically back to feeling like my old self.

As for Penelope - she's off all the tubes, no more IV's and now all she needs to do is gain weight.  We also got word that they're going to hopefully be transferring her out of Hopkins to our local hospital! This will be awesome as I'm pretty sure I can start feeding her soon so I'll be able to go right over there.  Right now I'm pumping and they're bottle feeding her...but we need to teach her to eat right from mama.  Things are just looking up and up.

isn't she beautiful?!

So, I don't want to end this on a low note..so I'll end with pictures...BUT I wanted to write a bit of caution.  If you EVER think that there is something wrong with your body, trust your instincts.  Doctors don't always listen to you.  If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong - push the issue.  I didn't.  I figured I was just being a baby and this was just how it was.  I now think that I had the signs of pre-e for quite some time.  Who knows, if I had pushed the issue they would have put me on bed rest and monitored me...and maybe I wouldn't have had to deliver this early.  OR they could have monitored me and not let it get to this level of severity before they did something about it.  I don't know...all I know is that I had a hunch that something was wrong, I told my doctors about my symptoms...and they missed it.  You have to be your own advocate.

So that's my story...

Ok, enough preaching...here are some more pictures of my precious little girl.  I can't wait until she gets home and I can just hold her and love her all day every day.  She is our little Peanut.

our fancy girl!

teeny tiny hand

Proud Daddy!

Penelope Birth Story - Part 3

Ok so now we're at the point where they start me on the pitocin.  This is administered Friday night after the 2nd steroid shot.  I am still extremely lethargic on the MAG, I am seeing double, I'm being poked every few hours for blood draws, and my arm is being squeezed every 15 minutes to take my blood pressure (which is still freakishly high).

Because I'm not due for another 6 weeks, the pitocin isn't really doing anything.  I don't feel any contractions and my cervix isn't progressing.  That's when they decided...hmm, she isn't uncomfortable enough - let's kick this up a notch.  First they tried a ripening agent which was basically medicine that they put eh hem..up there for 3 hours in the hopes that it will help my dilate, that didn't do anything.  Next, since I wasn't dilating they tried "stripping my membranes" a few times.  I won't describe it for the faint of heart - but it HURT LIKE HELL!  Anyway, that still didn't do anything so then they inserted a foley ball catheter into my cervix.  Again, I won't describe it but yes that HURT LIKE HELL TOO!  However, that did get me dilated to 3cm's...now we're getting somewhere.  But still, I didn't feel any contractions.  We were in for a long haul.

Sometime on Saturday things started happening.  I started feeling contractions a little bit.  They went from mild to pretty painful quickly.  That's when it was time for me to ask for an epidural.  So the anesthesiologist shows up and I'm told that I need to sit up and lean over the hospital tray table thingy so that they can put the needle in my spine.  Um...sit up?  Oh sure, no problem.  I can barely move my arm to my face but I can just pop right up.  Anyway - a few people had to assist me in sitting up and then I'm leaning over the table...

Ut oh...I start feeling like I'm going to pass out or throw up.  Turns out that by sitting up my blood pressure dropped dangerously low! They quickly laid me back down on my side and put some meds in my IV to regulate my blood pressure again.  So I cant' sit back up - thus making the epidural insertion more difficult for the anesthesiologist.  Sorry guy!

So Sean is behind the nurse who's holding my hand and is watching the anesthesiologist's face.  It took way longer than it should have, and it hurt like hell...and Sean told me afterwards that the guy's face made it seem that it wasn't going exactly as it should.  Awesome!

So now it's in...I'm still having contractions...and I'm still feeling them.  They are getting worse and I kept hitting the button to dose me and it isn't really doing anything.  I called the anesthesiologist back a few more time to up the amount...but I think what happened is that it didn't go in exactly as it should and there was nothing he could do.  Oh well...it's time for the show!

At this point my water hasn't broken yet so they decide they're going to break my water for me.  After they take a look up there they decide not to because they aren't sure if the umbilical cord is in the way.  They decide to give it just a little more time.  About 15 minutes later (or at least that's what it felt like - it could have been hours for all I know)...I felt it break.  It was a very weird feeling.  I called the nurse and let her know.  I don't know how much longer after that but all of a sudden I felt like stuff was about to happen.  Like I said, I had the epidural but I still basically felt a lot down there so I felt a lot of pressure like she was close to coming out.

Next thing I know there are about a dozen people in the room and my legs are up and I'm pushing.  The actual pushing part only lasted about 40 minutes...and then...out she came!

There were about 6 people off to the side waiting for her because she is a premie and they needed to tend to her.  A few seconds after she came out we heard her cry - it was amazing! It was also scary because they basically just handed her off to this team of doctors and we hadn't even seen her yet.  After about 15 minutes or so (again my timing could be off) they brought her over, let me kiss her on the cheek...and she was gone off to the NICU.

I was left on the bed being stitched up (yes I was lucky enough to tear on a 3lb 9oz baby!) and my baby was gone.  It was a very surreal feeling because I was so incredibly drugged up and out of it.  I kept thinking to myself...did I just have a baby?  What the hell just happened?

*next up...the final chapter of the birth story.  24 hours of MAG to go and updates on baby P